How to keep friends as an adult
Adult friendships last when they are put on a schedule: a standing monthly game night, a weekly run or a yearly trip that nobody has to reorganize. Be the one who reaches out, check in with short messages between meetups, show up for birthdays, weddings and hard times, and before you part ways, set the date for the next one.
About 10 minutes to learnEveryday skill
Mark it once you can do it without this page open.
How to do it
- List the five or six friends you most want to keep, and when you last saw each.
- Turn one friendship into a recurring plan: first Friday of the month, a weekly pickup game, a yearly camping trip.
- Be the one who organizes, without keeping score of who asked last.
- Send short check-ins between meetups: a photo, a link, a question about something they mentioned.
- Put friends' birthdays and big dates in your calendar and show up for weddings, moves and funerals.
- Do things side by side, such as fishing, a project or a game, if long face-to-face talks are not your style.
- Set the next date before you say goodbye.
Common mistakes
- Waiting for the other person to reach out first.
- Saying we should hang out sometime without a date.
- Only calling when you need something.
- Letting a busy season turn into years of silence.
Quick self-check
Three questions. Your last score is kept in this browser.
Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: How to keep friends as an adult
What to say
Adult friendships last when they are put on a schedule: a standing monthly game night, a weekly run or a yearly trip that nobody has to reorganize. Be the one who reaches out, check in with short messages between meetups, show up for birthdays, weddings and hard times, and before you part ways, set the date for the next one.
What to show, in order
- List the five or six friends you most want to keep, and when you last saw each.
- Turn one friendship into a recurring plan: first Friday of the month, a weekly pickup game, a yearly camping trip.
- Be the one who organizes, without keeping score of who asked last.
- Send short check-ins between meetups: a photo, a link, a question about something they mentioned.
- Put friends' birthdays and big dates in your calendar and show up for weddings, moves and funerals.
- Do things side by side, such as fishing, a project or a game, if long face-to-face talks are not your style.
- Set the next date before you say goodbye.
The check question
Ask: What keeps a friendship alive with the least effort?
Related skills
- How to make friends as an adult man
- How to support a friend who is grieving
- How to ask for help
- Every skill in Friends and Headspace
Last reviewed . First published .