How to cool down when you are angry
To cool down when you are angry, notice the early body signs, a hot face, a tight jaw, a fast heart, and take a timeout before you speak: say I need twenty minutes and I will come back, then leave the room. Breathe slowly with longer breaths out, move your body, and come back to talk once your heart rate has settled, using I statements.
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How to do it
- Learn your early warning signs: heat in the face, clenched jaw or fists, a racing heart, a raised voice.
- Agree with the people close to you on a timeout phrase, such as I need twenty minutes and I will come back.
- Use it early, then leave the room or step outside.
- Breathe in for four counts and out for six, several times.
- Walk, stretch or do something physical until your heart rate drops.
- Do not drive, drink, message or post while angry.
- Come back when you are calm, and speak about your feelings and needs: I felt ignored when plans changed.
- Look for patterns: what time of day, what topics, what you had going on, such as hunger or no sleep.
Stop and call a professional if
- Your anger has led to breaking things, threats or hurting anyone, or people around you are afraid of you: talk to a doctor or a licensed counselor about anger help.
- You are worried you might hurt someone: leave the situation now; you can call or text 988 for support, and the national domestic violence hotline, 1-800-799-7233, also helps people who want to stop.
- Anger comes with drinking, low mood or hopelessness: see a doctor.
Common mistakes
- Trying to win the argument while furious.
- Storming off without saying you will come back.
- Venting by punching walls or throwing things, which feeds anger rather than releasing it.
- Never coming back to the conversation.
Quick self-check
Three questions. Your last score is kept in this browser.
Teach this to someone
A one-page sheet for showing a friend, a roommate or a kid: what to say, what to show, and one question to check it landed.
Teach: How to cool down when you are angry
What to say
To cool down when you are angry, notice the early body signs, a hot face, a tight jaw, a fast heart, and take a timeout before you speak: say I need twenty minutes and I will come back, then leave the room. Breathe slowly with longer breaths out, move your body, and come back to talk once your heart rate has settled, using I statements.
What to show, in order
- Learn your early warning signs: heat in the face, clenched jaw or fists, a racing heart, a raised voice.
- Agree with the people close to you on a timeout phrase, such as I need twenty minutes and I will come back.
- Use it early, then leave the room or step outside.
- Breathe in for four counts and out for six, several times.
- Walk, stretch or do something physical until your heart rate drops.
- Do not drive, drink, message or post while angry.
- Come back when you are calm, and speak about your feelings and needs: I felt ignored when plans changed.
- Look for patterns: what time of day, what topics, what you had going on, such as hunger or no sleep.
When to stop and call a professional
- Your anger has led to breaking things, threats or hurting anyone, or people around you are afraid of you: talk to a doctor or a licensed counselor about anger help.
- You are worried you might hurt someone: leave the situation now; you can call or text 988 for support, and the national domestic violence hotline, 1-800-799-7233, also helps people who want to stop.
- Anger comes with drinking, low mood or hopelessness: see a doctor.
The check question
Ask: When should you take a timeout?
Related skills
- How to calm down a heated situation
- How to apologize properly
- Signs of depression in men
- Every skill in Friends and Headspace
Last reviewed . First published .